Revenge of the Hollywood Assistants: 20 Things We Need to Get Off Our Chest

Some friends of mine, who shall remain nameless for obvious reasons, and I were recently chatting about our shiny-happy, palm-tree-filled careers in Los Angeles. Actually, replace "shiny-happy" with "grueling and traffic-clogged," and you'll have a more accurate description of what it's like to climb the ever competitive Hollywood ladder. Sure, the palm tree backdrop is nice, but no one gives two turds about the view after your first day working in the bowels of a production company, agency, or any office related to the big Tinseltown Machine.

Although most of us have moved on to bigger and better things, what's still fresh in our memories are the obnoxiously inane things we've had to endure (or witnessed secondhand) while navigating a gauntlet of big egos, crappy attitudes, and unbearable personalities. You've probably seen Swimming With Sharks. You've probably read the books and blogs written by former assistants who dished on their hellish experiences. And while they're all great cautionary tales detailing the shitstorms that occur within the walls of show biz, I wanted to do something that allowed the former (and current) assistants of this industry to get back at the higher-ups who put them down, the superiors who gave them inferiority complexes, and the oblivious ass-wipes with big paychecks who, ironically, can't wipe their own asses.

We get it. There's usually a lot of money riding on jobs, particularly projects that will either make or break careers. But that amount of pressure shouldn't give you the right to throw a sharp object -- usually an award for some crap movie you produced in the mid-90s -- at someone who makes one-hundredth of your weekly salary. And then there's the sense of entitlement. Does one really earn the right to throw a hissy fit and deliver a condescending and passive-aggressive voicemail when one's name is omitted from a lunch invite that's bound to get rescheduled three more times?

Let's face it, Hollywood bosses. Most of your jobs are just glorified, expensive games of Make Pretend. The amount of time and money spent in determining whether or not a shirt is too red for a 3-second appearance in a 30-second commercial could be put to better use -- for anything. Solving the hunger crisis. Contributing to a scholarship fund. And no, investing in the enlargement of your wife's cup size doesn't count.

Assistants, it's your turn. Now's your chance to anonymously say what you've always wanted to say to your bosses. Speak your mind. Let it all out!

20 THINGS WE NEED TO GET OFF OUR CHEST

1. "Guess what? There is no Coffee Fairy who magically refills the pot in the office kitchen every morning. And those bagels? They don't reappear every Friday out of thin air." -- Worn Out in Westwood

2. "Thanks for the signed headshot instead of a Christmas bonus, asshole." -- Tired in Toluca Lake

3. "Wait, you want Valentine's Day flowers sent to your wife AND your girlfriend? Same message on both cards? Classy. Always keeping it classy." -- Hungover in Hollywood

4. "Can't you order your own spray-on hair? Don't you feel just the tiniest bit ashamed even asking me to do it?" -- Frustrated on Fairfax 

5. "I'm sorry, but I can't plan your child's birthday party for you if you won't even take the time to learn my name." -- Steamed in Studio City

6. "Really? You can't go to the Virgin America website, click on 'Book a Flight,' and select a first class seat for your fat ass? It's so easy, an underage mistress can do it. I'm not saying your underage mistress. Just any underage mistress." -- Broken in Beverly Hills

7. "I will not fetch you anything. I am not a dog. But if you keep talking to me like this, you'll soon learn I can be a bitch." -- Vicious in Venice

8. "It's takes the same amount of time writing a lengthy and descriptive e-mail requesting dinner reservations as it would had you made them yourself. It's called Open Table, prick. Familiarize yourself with it." -- Beaten in Burbank

9. "Of course I'll stay an extra 45 minutes to research bakeries in Silverlake for you, even though you clearly see that I've shut down my computer and packed my bag to go home. On a Friday night. At 7pm." -- Livid in Los Feliz

10. "Find a Kosher caterer for your kid's New Year's Eve sushi party? You know that's tonight, right? No, I can't imagine that'll be a problem. Just making sure we're clear." -- Done on Doheny

11. "If I go to your holiday party, will you please have me help your boyfriend decorate your home again? Pretty please?" [insert eye roll] -- Peeved on Pico

12. "What's that? You want me to doctor my timesheet so you don't have to pay the overtime from me working ten days straight? Sure, that's not abusive or illegal at all." -- Anonymous in Anaheim

13. "Oh, I didn't pick the right 48 things from the list of 50 you told me had to be done today and then acknowledged were impossible? Sorry. I'm a PA. Mindreading is above my pay grade." -- Venting on Ventura

14. "Sure, I guess a Snapple bottle could double as a urinal." -- Weary in WeHo 

15. "Please, please don't make me lie to a Rabbi. I lie to your wife, I lie to your girlfriend, I lie to your kids. Just please, please don't make me lie to a Rabbi." -- Losing It in Larchmont

16. "Yes, I do know how to use a fax machine. You don't have to hover over me, not so subtly looking down my shirt as I send a fax. And who the f**k faxes anyway? I didn't realize it was still 1993." -- A Vengeful Ivy Leaguer

17. "If you respond to an email with ???????? one more time..." -- Crazed in Culver City

18. "Seriously? You need me to go grab the Halloween candy one floor down, yet you were just there and your hands aren't full?" -- Fuming on Franklin

19. "Hi, remember me? I dented your Mercedes with a golf cart two years ago, and you had me fired. Well, I just signed a three-picture deal with Sony, and I'm happy to pick up the check at our next lunch meeting." -- A Justified Writer (or a writer on Justified?)

20. "I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. Her name's Karma. And she's a bitch." -- Hiko Mitsuzuka

@TheFirstEcho