WHO IS THE LOS ANGELES ARSONIST?

As some of you may have seen in the news, a serial arsonist has been terrorizing the city of Los Angeles, particularly in the neighborhoods of West Hollywood. While this is truly a horrible chain of events (53 fires!), it's hard to believe that this is the job of one person. Although a suspect has been apprehended, a 24-year-old Canadian dude named Harry Burkhart (below) who's been pissed about his mom's deportation to Germany, I can't help but wonder if others were involved in setting this city ablaze.

Hence my own list of suspects...because you never know.

Suspect #1: Disgruntled Starbucks Barista - He's served thousands of lattes to unappreciative Angelenos, is mad as hell, and he's not gonna take it anymore!

Suspect #2: Lindsay Lohan - Because she's doing research for the role she wishes to covet in the Firestarter reboot.

Suspect #3: Michael Bay's Pyrotechnician - He was pissed when he found out he wasn't hired for Transformers 4.

Suspect #4: Some Guy Who Really Hates Driving - In an attempt to demonstrate how dependent we've all become on our cars, he sees himself as a revolutionary, torching - in his words - "the machines that have shaped every aspect of this metropolis and turned us all into commuting zombies."

Suspect #5: The "Rosas" Lady - Usually seen soliciting drinkers at The Abbey, she finally lost her patience with the superficial and indifferent crowds and...snapped. Notice how absent she's been lately on Santa Monica Boulevard. Just sayin'.

Suspect #6: Satan - Los Angeles has always been perceived as a modern-day Sodom (or Gomorrah), and the Devil Himself would like to make that a reality and literally turn L.A. into the City of Demons.

Suspect #7: Squirrels - Their resilience is stronger than ever, and their plan to take over the city is finally coming together. All those years sharpening their teeth on acorns was really just a way to build up their stamina when gnawing through electrical wires.

Any witnesses who would like to come forward and point a finger at the perpetrator(s) in a lineup are welcome to do so.

H.P.M.